So here’s the deal. I was a high-end executive at a certain fruit-based tech company. Need I say which one? It rhymed with loose arrow. I was making six-figures, I had a group of 24 plebeians beneath me, and I was living what to most people would be considered a dream. But, I’m not most people.
I wanted to be free of corporate balderdash, the freedom to come and go as I please, and the executive lifestyle without the executive responsibility and need to be around the workers beneath my powerful grasp. That’s when it hit me. I was sipping on espresso at my favorite coffee house working on the latest chapter of my memoir, Fresh-Squeezed, when I realized my calling.
The Writer’s Epiphany
Call it a religious experience, my conscience screaming into a megaphone, or an epiphany from the depths beneath my soul, but something told me this was my new life. I jumped into my Fiat, drove down to my luxury office, and told them I was done. Finished! Tired! I was going to live the life of the freelance writer.
It was a struggle at first, finding people to let me write about them. Turns out nobody wanted to pay me to hear my own life story. So, I had to get creative. If nobody wants to hear about me, what could they possibly want to hear about? It took a grueling amount of research over the ensuing 45-minutes about how to make 6-figures whilst writing from your computer, but I finally had my answer. Using my Shakespearean gift with words, my Einsteinian grasp of marketing and business, and my Napoleonic pursuit to take over the world, I was to become a marketing blogger.
From there, it was was an upward journey filled with ups and downs. I had to learn the tricks of insiders, pick the minds of several industry leaders, and watch more TED talks than I’d care to admit to. One term that kept popping up was SEO, this is an insider acronym for Search Engine Optimization. I was to become fluent in the art of SEO. The search engine was my canvas, my friendly words the paint, and my fingers were the brush with which I’d make a masterpiece.
I wrote. I wrote hundreds of words over the course of several minutes. I made sure to hit every important mark in this marketing blog. What was I marketing? I knew not, but it didn’t stop me from putting those words down with the precision of Robin Hood’s arrow. I was happy with my work. Thrilled. if I can set aside humility. Then, I waited for the money to pour in.
I waited for several minutes staring at the screen with a grin upon my face. This was it. This was my new life. My favorite barista, Sven, asked me why I looked so happy, and I explained to him that I was to become a marketing writer. All I needed was for my piece to go through.
That’s when Sven gave me some more insider knowledge. I had the tools of the trade, but now I needed something called a client. A client was an insider term for somebody who paid you for your work. Sven took me to a site called Craig’s List, where many industry leaders pool their work, and hooked me up with a local hemp company.
It was good work, but exhausting. They wanted me to write several hundred words for a measly sum that was barely enough to cover my mortgage, yet the valuable information that I learned are what helped me evolve into the writer I’ve become.
Rise of the Coffeeshop Casanova
The hemp company begat a tech company. The tech company begat a local food group. The local food group begat another tech company, and the tech company begat content mill. I was building my portfolio all while sipping on espresso on the cracking leather chair at Margo’s Mill. The Coffeeshop Casanova was born.
The name hit me one night while I was honing my SEO skills. I don’t quite know who Casanova was, but I immediately gravitated toward his reputation. I became Casanova. I traveled around the world, laptop in my hand, and I wrote. When I tell you I wrote, I wrote everything. Tech guides, blogs, SEO-friendly press releases, even the copy on some finance companies’ web sites.
Within six weeks, I was in Cancun partying with several members of the cast of a popular pawn-based reality series, creating content the way that bee creates the sweetest honey, and living the life of the Coffeeshop Casanove. I had to get my word out. This was the way to live your life. All other means of being were lies, frauds, and insignificant in comparison to the one I had built.
The Coffeehouse Casanova
You too can be a Coffeeshop Casanova. I recently broke off from all of my professional, familial, and convivial relationships to ensure that you too can live this life of luxury. Sure, I had a few million in the bank to get me off my feet. Fine, this let me take advantage of some resources others don’t have. And yes, I presume that those who are starting from the bottom won’t have it as easy, but that is why I started the Coffeehouse Casanova.
You too can churn out content on the beaches of Cancun with several members of the cast of a popular pawn-based reality television. Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce “The Coffeeshop Casanova’s Guide To Writing Content From the Luxury of your own Penthouse or Beach or Coffeehouse.” After a week-long trial, my methods, which cost a measly $99.99-a-month or $999.99-a-year, will teach you everything you need to know.
You too can earn insider terms like SEO and client. You too can write your next great piece of content sipping on a cappuccino made from coffee beans digested in the body of a black Iberian Pig from a coffeehouse in Tierra Del Fuego. Join me as we take over the content-producing world.
Sound ridiculous? It totally is. There are thousands of web sites out there claiming to have the secrets of to becoming rich using nothing but your keyboard. Some may offer great advice, but they really just want your money. Be weary: make sure that you get the information you need, the proper services, and the right expertise so that you don’t have to fall into the schemes of those with less-than-stellar motives to their brand.